Remembering… two years later

I can hardly believe it’s already been two years since the earthquake.  But at the same time, it feels more like twenty years have gone by with all that has happened here in Haiti lately.

It’s funny… the things that stand out in my memory.  It seems as though so much of it has blurred together in my mind but then there are certain things that still jump out at me.  I read Jody’s blog post  (http://castilloavektimoun.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/i-will-never-forget/)  earlier today and was instantly transported back to that moment… to that day… to those first weeks…  and I shocked myself by needing a good hard cry.  Not that I don’t cry about absolutely everything… but what shocked me was the grief… how fresh it felt… I think I needed to remember what that felt like.

I remember that the sun was shining… for the first time in over a week.  I remember how good it felt to be outside.  I remember the feeling of the ground, moving beneath my feet and the confusion I felt.  I remember the look on Susan’s face as she stared back at me in the middle of the road.  I remember the panicked screams and I remember the sight and sound of so many of my Haitian brothers and sisters who were face down in the church court yard, crying out to God.  I remember nervously laughing when it was over and posting something snarky on facebook.  I remember the shock as the news started trickling in that it was bad… really bad.  I remember the fear at realizing that Jose was there, in PAP… and then the shock at knowing that so many of our staff and loved ones were also on the ground there.  I remember calling my husband and begging him to not turn on the television… or let my mother watch either… even as we sat glued to the news ourselves.  I remember trying to hold it together for the small group that was here on campus but laying on my floor, sobbing, behind closed doors.  I remember the noisy sobs at our worship service, held with the Americans on campus and all of our sweet Haitian staff who still hadn’t heard from loved ones.  I remember hands clutching useless phones, praying for them to suddenly ring with news.  I remember our hearts breaking as we listened to Jocelyn tell his story of survival and how he and the other boys had made it back to the mission after three days.  I remember Larry and his quiet strength as he left for PAP.  I remember dragging children out into the courtyard in the pitch black because there was a ridiculous announcement on the radio that another earthquake was coming.  I remember the grief.   I remember the fear.  I remember Jody running to embrace Jose in the middle of the courtyard after so many days of uncertainty…  I remember the dog crying and jumping on them both as they held each other and sobbed.   I remember watching as our little town swelled with the survivors who had made their way to the Northwest zone.  I remember the aftershocks, and the aftershocks, and the aftershocks.  I remember the surgery team arriving and the utter relief that I felt as they got off the bus.  I remember finally, finally making it home, six weeks later, and seeing my husband for the first time in the airport.  I remember dropping my bags and being held and making the decision that I would never, ever,  stand on my own two feet again.  I remember not wanting to come back.  I remember, selfishly, never wanting to ever experience that kind of grief again.  I remember knowing that God had not finished with me yet and not being particularly happy with Him about that.  I remember difficult discussions with my family and loved ones and I remember being gently and lovingly urged back to Haiti.  I remember what Haiti looked like before the earthquake.  I remember that it was the earthquake that opened the doors to the PdP prison to me and the ministry that we have there today.  I remember the teams and the donations that came flooding in, wanting to help in anyway possible.  I remember the gratitude at knowing that we weren’t in this alone… that the whole world was watching and wanting to help.  I remember the praises rising and the beauty that has come from such a dark and painful place.

On this… the National Day of Remembrance….  I do remember.  Do you?

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